CRAP

2 January 2011 à 7 January 2011

Today is 7 January 2011. This week also is the start of my first semester and also first week for me as a PISMP student at this Gaya College. I do not know how and what to say about this week. But I can feel the emptiness inside of me. After a month plus holiday, I cannot let all the moment I had during the holiday to vanish just like that. Last Sunday, I having problem to sleep. I am awake until 3 a.m. in the morning. I really cannot sleep. With my pillows and bolster that seems to be muggy a bit because it has been kept for a month plus inside a big bag. I don’t feel comfortable. I am used to sleep with my second sister, but starting from last Sunday, I am sleeping alone. I hate this kind of feeling.

              Day by day passed by and I started realize that my friends slowly changing. We were having less conversation together. Everything seems so cold inside and out. I started to feel a bit depressed because of the situation. Is it my fault or is it they are just like me? Missing their family also? Or is it because I am not a good TESLian? I mean I am TESLian, but the truth is that I never act as a TESLian. I always speak in BM or BI (B.Iban). So many questions appear in my mind. I know my weaknesses. I hope they understand me. But at the other hand, I also understand that I also must understand them too. By the way, I have to try my best to understand them. At first I decided to ignore the thing and trying hard to mingle around with them and hope that our relationship can be repaired. I have been once losing friends, and it hurts me so much. I’m suffering the experience mentally and physically. I never hoping or expecting that I will experience it again in the future.   

            Through the suffering, I feel that this is why the student that stays at the hostel having problems in their study. In my opinion, stay at the hostel did not help me much but it only makes me to be in the state of depressed. It makes me sad. Five days here feels like it already a month that I am here. Tonight, I guaranteed that I will be crying alone in my bed. Nobody will know. I will make sure it. Even though I already set my mind to not crying, but I sure that I cannot take the pressure anymore, and tears will started to colour my night tonight.

            To avoiding myself from being depressed, I say ‘YES’ to my friends invitation for an outing this evening. So, we were having great time. We laugh until we forget the world. We didn’t realize that we were standing on the earth. Until one of my friends realizes that her handphone was missing. We get panicked and starting to look for the missing phone. But unfortunately, the phone really missing and we can’t find the phone. She was getting sad and sad. The atmosphere is really gloomy and she started to look like she is crying. I felt like a terrible friends and so sorry that I can’t do much about the accidence. So, we went back to our hostel. I called my mom. I miss her so much. Aiyo… feel like I’m will be dying here. 

Hmmmm... I think I will put the full stop here. I can't bear the pain anymore. today is the worst day ever in my life. Goodnight….